Close up the Hole in My Vein
by cigarettesandlatte
Summary: Just one more. What's the harm? It's not like I do it more than once a day? Just take the 1000 yen bill. Roll it up to a nice thin roll. Get closer to the hand mirror on the sink. Stick the roll to your nose. And sniff... easy as that… Warnings inside.
1. Masquerade

Authors Note. This story is a bit AU. We all know that Masamune was really out of himself in college after Ritsu left. Well.. what if Ritsu is back sooner than expected? Drug use, alcohol, lemons, yelling and fighting, all that good stuff. Disclaimer; I do not own Sekaiichi Hatsukoi!

* * *

><p><em>Placebo - Meds<em>

_Just one more. What's the harm? It's not like I do it more than once a day? Just take the 1000 yen bill. Roll it up to a nice thin roll. Get closer to the hand mirror on the sink. Stick the roll to your nose. And sniff... easy as that… And then… Ahhhh the rush._

God that felt great. Just the feelings of the white powder running through you; making you lose it all, you feel like you can fly. It's almost as good as having sex and you're on cloud 9 and…

_**Bang, bang, bang**_

"Come on Masamune! You have been in the fucking bathroom for an hour now! Finish yourself up"!

"Well I want to look good for the hot girls!" _'And guys'_. I can't help myself anymore. Ever since high school, I have been batting for both teams. Hell… what was his name again? Ona or Oka; or something like that? Hnn, well that just tells what 5 years, drugs and drinking does to your memory…

'_Senpai… I love you'!_

**NO!** Stop fucking thinking about him! He is gone! Out of your life! He probably doesn't even remember you! So just fucking stop! God I need some more. Again…

_1000 yen bill. Roll it up tight and thin. Hand mirror on the sink. Roll the bill bring it to my nose. Sniff… Forget just like that…_

Looking at the mirror I 'm not myself anymore. I am no longer that lean seventeen year old senior in high school. He was a loner and a total emo kid confused and angry because of his parents' divorce. _No_**.** I am much worse than that. I am a twenty-two year old college senior. I spend my time after school either, studying, working, drinking, drugs, partying, and sex, women, men, throwing my life away… and of course thinking of him… always **HIM!**

That fucking seventeen year old had fucking everything! Why? Because he had **him**! He had him right in his arms! – And now? I have nothing… I am nothing... I am no longer 'Saga Masamune' or 'Saga-Sempai' as he always called me. No. I am Takano Masamune. But… I don't really know who **he** is?

I look myself in the mirror. What do I see? A worn out man black circles under his eyes. Shaggy black hair that needs to be cut, tall and toned; but he still looks like he has been through hell; and yet they still want me? Why do they always go home with me? Is it because of who I am or because of who I am trying to be? That carefree guy; who wants to party 24/7 and get as many men and women in his bed as he can, so he can try to fill that empty little hole in his heart? I splash some water in my face. I look into the eyes of the man in the mirror. And smile.

"Yeah I look good". It's quite nice to assure yourself with stuff like that. Even though I know it isn't true… I come out of the bathroom and find Yokozawa leaning against the wall... "Fuck Masamune! It's about fucking time"! "Yeah, yeah! Are we going or what? I need to see if there is something hot in town"! I heard something like; 'Yeah me'… "Hnn? Did you say something Takafumi"? "No; let's just go okay"? "Yeah okay, let's go! Let's go"! Even in front of my best friend I play that carefree, funny, party guy; he knows it's all a façade and I know he knows; but we won't say anything. I take one last look in the mirror that's hanging in the hallway. I smirk at myself.

_Yeah you look good enough for the new stuff. Let's hope there is something new in town._

_I'm sorry Masamune. No; something isn't new in town. But back in town!_

* * *

><p>Hope you liked it; reviewing is appreciated:) the story will be about 17-20 chapters I hope:) Till then!<p> 


	2. Exorcism

Authors note: Hello everyone! I would just like to say thank you to you all who has read and reviewed this story! I am very glad that you like it! But enough talking! Let's get it on (: Disclaimer; I do not own Sekaiichi Hatsukoi. Thank you like always Booboobitxch666 for being such a magnificent beta-reader!

* * *

><p><em>Placebo – Nancy Boy<em>

The streets were cold for a late September evening. The summer had barely ended; so Yokozawa and I were pretty surprised when we had to go back to the apartment to get our jackets. We had only walked about 100 meters, and then found ourselves turning back; defeated by the cold. We were on our way to the usual place. It wasn't some big boom blasting club, with girls and boys wearing almost nothing and what they did wear hardly classified as clothing. No. This was a little bar we had found one night when I was thrown out from a club. I had been in a fight with some airhead; if he could just have kept his fingers to himself. Hell... I know I'm pretty loose, but I'm the one who calls the shots; I still have my god damned _pride_!

I take a look around the streets. We made our way behind the park and we are walking through some dead leaves. It's a pretty beautiful sight you know? Tokyo. It really is breathtaking at some points. It's just like…

When I look at the orange, red, brown and green colored leaves on the trees in the autumn-time; I always think of the time when I was seven and visited Kyoto with my parents. Just the memories of me and my dad, playing around in the fallen leafs with my mother laughing and cheering when I stuffed leaves down his coat, it gives me a bittersweet taste in my mouth. I loved those times, but they were gone now…

When I looked at the crystal white snow falling silently in the winter-time; I always remembered the huge snowball fight Yokozawa and I had as juniors in college. I had pulled an all-nighter and was woken up by him dragging me out in the snow; throwing a huge snowball in my face. Haha! It was actually quite funny since I won the fight in the end. He should just have kept his eyes where he could see me.

When I look at the butterflies in the summer-time, it's also just as breathtaking as anything else. The sweet summer sweat that drips of your skin because of the 'god damned heat' as you call it; even though, you know that in only in a matter of time you'll be screaming in your mind 'where the hell did the sweet heat go? I'm freezing!' Summer also has a lot of great memories, but they are also bittersweet.

Then there is of course spring. Yes I love spring. I love it because of the romantic atmosphere. I love it because of the feeling of the upcoming summer. I love it for its beautiful sights of the hugest Sakura trees you can find, with the most beautiful pink colors you could ever dream of… but oh do I also hate spring for that. They always remind me of **him**. Only by looking at those trees, those flowers, my mind literally skips five years back to when I was only a seventeen year old kid, with a fifteen year old boyfriend. _'Senpai'_. That voice runs through my mind every day. It is haunting; literally haunting me! I need a fucking exorcism…

Back to the present, here we are; two seniors in college on our way to the usual bar.

Yokozawa's mission; Keep an eye on me (even though he would never admit it).

My mission; getting laid.

I know it's a pretty sad sight. But I gotta have my fun; or I'll just sink lower then I already am. Ha! Lower? I have to laugh at that myself; I surely am only a few steps away until I'm officially at the bottom of the food chain. I really feel like one of those emo kids sometimes... But sure, I understand them. Getting kicked to the ground, then struggle yourself up and then get kicked to the ground again; well… after so many times, you just don't give a shit anymore.

"We are almost there. Should we just go and sit by the bar; or do you just want to go on your little '_hunt'_, right from the start"?

"Naah, let's just sit by the bar first. A little pick me up drink won't hurt will it"? I send Yokozawa a mischievous little grin that says 'and there might be something cute sitting there'. He just shakes his head and sighs. He does that allot nowadays; it's probably because of me... I do feel bad about him taking care of me all the time. But I never asked him to.

"Yeah sure thing; just don't bail on me tonight without even a text message like you did last time"!

"Sorry, will keep that in mind".

And then the conversation just died. We both knew what was going to happen tonight. And I wouldn't stop it. I wouldn't let myself go home alone. Get in bed alone. Sleep alone. But I do hate it when they aren't gone in the morning. I don't like seeing their faces in the sunlight. I only want to wake up next to **him**. Shit… I do really sound like an emo kid…

Well at least I haven't started cutting or something like that. But I must say… that decision I made 4 weeks ago… it's the stupidest one I have ever made. **Heroin.** Yes you heard right. Heroin. I, Takano Masamune, earlier Saga Masamune, tried heroin. Did I like it? Yes. Was I scared as hell when I saw the needle? Yes. Am I the stupidest bitch on the face of earth? Oh hell yes I am… I promised myself I will never do it ever again. Yes it was hard keeping myself from it; even though it only happened once. People sure are right when they say that heroin is in your system, mind, thoughts, body, just like _that_. Does Yokozawa know? Hell no... Will he ever? Well I have to be either drunk or stoned of my ass, to tell him that.

I just really don't give a shit any more... life has just been like a game to me ever since that time; with **him**.

"Hey are you even listening"?

"Hm? What? I was kinda off in my own world".

Sigh. Again he sighed. I must surely be a lost case.

"I said we are almost there, but do you need to go to the convenient store first and by cigarettes"?

I looked in my jacket pocket. No. I had already two unopened packages, I seriously should start cutting down, but they are a good way to calm your nerves; well also cocaine, but that's a completely different story.

"Nope, I have enough, do you need something"?

"No, let's just go in now".

"Sure thing Takafumi", I plastered my _'let's party all night'_ face on and almost kicked the door open.

We walked in and handed our jackets to the wardrobe. I was now clad in my dark blue jeans, that was a little ripped off; but I still looked stylish. I had chosen to take my tight black t-shirt on with a little Armani logo by the neck cape. It was like really tight, so it showed of my abs; it was a nice touch to my jeans, since they weren't so tight. The whole look gave that kind of _'yeah, I know that I look good, but don't give a shit'_ expression. Yokozawa and I made our way to the bar, before we got there, his hand caught my wrist. He told me he had to go use the restroom; I just shrugged it off and said that I'll order our drinks.

When I had reached the bar, I noticed that there weren't as many people in here today. There were only about, let's say… fifteen people? A good night usually has about fifty and a rough one thirty at least. I waved the waiter my way. I was greeted by a slightly tall man. Not taller than me; but taller than the usual Japanese man; he looked about the late thirty's I'll say?

"Good evening Sir, shall I take your order"?

"Good evening to you, I would like to order two beers; just the house's special".

"Yes sir and would you like to pay right away"?

"Yes I'll pay now and may I ask; why is it like a ghost town in here"?

"Ah well... The bar a couple of streets away has a 70% off the drinks night."

"Aha? Quite the competition huh"?

"Haha, yes maybe we will pull that trick someday. Here are your drinks and that will be 1.392 Yen* please".

I pulled out the cash from my wallet, handing him 1500 Yen; hell… the guy was a good waiter.

"Here you go; keep the change"!

"Oh thank you Sir"! He bowed at me and left for the next guest.

I took a look at the guy the waiter was taking orders from; and my god is he cute. No, cute is the wrong word and still the right word. He is a handsome, soft looking, cute and beautiful young man. He has to be at least two years younger than me; and that made sense; since you have to be twenty in Japan to drink. He has a light brown mop of hair, which looks like he just rolled out of bed; and it's sexy as all hell if you asked me. He also has this little cute blush on his face; I can't help but think is extremely cute. But there is something that really makes him stand out from the others… His **eyes**. My god, those eyes; I have never seen anything more breathtaking than them. They are the most beautiful green color. They look like new polished emeralds. But there is something else in them. It isn't the color or the shape. It's the emotion. They look sad, depressed and lonely. Something in my heart clenches when I see that; something is telling me that he needs comfort, just like I do. I _must_ speak with him.

So here I am, making my way towards him the picture of confidence. I notice that he has finally seen me and he is now flushing an even deeper red then before. I can't help but smirk, damn he is cute. He looks like a little bunny on the trail. Seeking a hiding place from the big bad wolf; and that is what I am right now. A **wolf**. Making its way towards its prey, and I will not lose. I am only a few steps from him. Okay Masamune; take your position and get ready for countdown.

_5; I am now five feet away from him. 4; four more steps and you'll be an idiot turning away. 3; three more steps and why the hell is my heart beating so fast? It hasn't beaten like this since __**him**__. 2; two more steps and fuck it; it's probably just the drugs and alcohol. 1; the final step; and you are now standing right next to him._

He's just sitting there a little slouched in his seat, shaking. Poor guy, he probably believes that I'm a huge pervert. He won't look at me. Well... gotta introduce myself and break the ice. I lean my mouth closer to his ear, and…

"Hello, I'm Takano Masamune. May I buy you a drink"? He looks a bit startled and nervous at me. He tries to open his mouth, but I can see that he is struggling. After a good thirty seconds he finally responds…

"He...hello, I'm Onodera Ritsu, and ehm yes, if you insist you may buy me a drink". I can't help but smirk at the answer. But something startles me for a moment. **Ritsu**? Haven't I heard that name somewhere else before? I'll just shrug it off; maybe later I'll ask.

"Well hi Onodera-Chan" - I couldn't help but play the '-Chan' card; he really is cute "- very nice to meet you". I send him an award winning smile; that could make every girl and a few guys scream and faint.

He just looks at me for a moment, and then answers with a small smile on his lips; "Yeah, you too Takano-san".

_Oh this is gonna be one great night…_

* * *

><p>*About 18 American dollars.<p>

Hope you all liked it! Damn.. this one was a hard job! Reviewing is as always appreciated! – Till next time!


	3. Hypnotized

Authors note: First off I would like to thank you everybody again for the kind reviews on my little humble story. I hope people will enjoy the new chapter and you can all thank my wonderful beta-reader Booboobitxch666 for the magnificent editing. Now I will shut up; Masamune is holding a gun against my head and is threatening me to start the story, or else he won't cooperate with me any longer, well then… Enjoy!** PS!** I am not very found of this chapter myself; I don't think I did a pretty good job on it; my mojo was gone.. Okay; better start the story, Masamune just cocked the gun! Enjoy!

* * *

><p><em>Placebo - Special K<em>

Where was I now? I was sitting in the back of the bar with Onodera making out; you're probably thinking "Where the hell did that come from?" Well… let's go about an hour or so back in the story.

_One hour ago…_

I had again caught the bartender's attention, but this time I didn't try to talk with him; it's always nice to be polite, but at that moment my attention belonged solely to Onodera Ritsu. Onodera had asked for vodka straight up; a pretty heavy drink for his age if I may say so myself; but it's his drink and he can drink whatever he wants. I still had mine and Yokozawa's beers. By the way where the fuck was he? He must have gone to the restroom about ten minutes ago what was he doing? But still, it was about Onodera.

"So, what is a young cute man like you doing in a bar on a Friday night by himself, when he could be out with some hot girl in a club or nice restaurant"? Okay, I had called him handsome, well cute but it's the same in the end, he must have caught the compliment and known that it wasn't just a friendly conversation I was after.

"Well ehm, it's just not going so well", he didn't say anything after that, just started sipping from his drink. He looked really sad. I wanted to comfort him but before I could do anything…

"What about you Takano-san? Who are you with"? He motioned to the two beers in my hands. '_God Yokozawa... come get you're fucking beer'._.. I was glad that he could make conversation and ask questions, most girls and boys just sat there squirming in their seats and started giggling whenever you asked them something.

"Well I go to Mitsuhashi University, I major in literature", 'The Literature Speech', girls and boys love that; it makes you sound _'oh so smart'_.

"I also study literature! Just at T. University", wow, he must be intelligent, if he goes to T. University. I had to admit I was impressed. Not that he goes to a nice university, but that I actually found someone who had something between their ears.

"Well Onodera-Chan, would you like to sit with me at one of the tables in the back? It would be more private than this; it always gets so crowded by the bar". I could see on his face that he was thinking about my little offer, he looked like someone who had been offered a piece of candy from a stranger and didn't know if he should take it or leave it.

"Well I…" - _'come on please; please say yes' I begged to myself, but why? I knew he was gonna say yes, they always do, so why was I so scared he wouldn't?_ It's as if having him around messes with my feelings and… - "sure. Why not?" He said yes and he smiled. That timid smile gave me a little kick for some reason, like a kick to the engine. I had a feeling that with Onodera - even though I had only known him for about twenty minutes– I had a feeling he was going to have some kind of influence on my feelings, I was so nervous it was like he was ripping my confidence down, and I found myself actually liking it, no one had done that in years, well not since **him**.

"Well then, let's go sit over there by the tables in the back of the room; so we can..." "Masamune"! Oh fuck… there comes Yokozawa, always at the wrong time.

"Yes Takafumi what is it"? He must have heard the annoyance in my voice, suits him right when he just came barging in there, when I was trying to flirt with someone; especially this curiously compelling young man.

"I just wanted to tell you that I am leaving, there was this girl and... who's that?" He motioned to Onodera.

"This is Ono"… "Onodera Ritsu, nice to meet you", Onodera got to introduce himself before I had finished, oh well he had probably not heard that I was introducing him, the music was kinda loud. Yokozawa was looking at him, no actually giving him the elevator look, and he didn't look too pleased.

"Hnn.. well I just wanted to tell you that I am leaving, and I would say that you should think about going home too, but it looks like you have something else planned for this evening". The guy may be my best friend, but I didn't like the tone he used, when he was obviously talking about Onodera, that idiot.

"Just go Takafumi; I can take care of myself".

"Yeah yeah, well just be careful, see you Masamune". Finally he left, so I could take care of Onodera again, I hoped he wasn't scared; Yokozawa could be a bit intimidating.

"I'm sorry about that Onodera-Chan, should we just go to our seats" He stood up from his chair and I noticed that he was a bit smaller than me, but taller than the average Japanese man; but I am quite tall actually so it didn't come as much of a shock.

We were now sitting by a little round table in the back, with couches instead of chairs. I was sitting close to Onodera, but not close enough to him to make him feel claustrophobic or intimidated.

"So Onodera-Chan, what would you like to talk about? I would like to know a bit more about you".

"Well… what would you like to know? I'm not used to talking about myself to others haha"… I could hear that he was nervous, hell… I was actually a bit nervous myself and that really doesn't sound like me, but there was just something about this guy…

"Just tell me some things Onodera, I think I really like you" I lifted my hand and traced my fingers tips through his hair, I was so hypnotized… it was just like _his_**.**His hair was so perfect. It was smooth like silk, shiny as the water on a lake when the moon shines its light down upon it and just so, like, like… **him**.

"Ehm well… I really like books and literature? It's always nice to relax with a good book after a rough day, haha; you must also be fond of books Takano-san? Since you also study literature"?

"Yes, books are a great way to relax with; they are kind of like an escape from reality".

"Yes exactly haha"!

He took a sip of his drink and I couldn't help but study his face curiously…

High cheekbones, soft lips, a small straight nose, he noticed my scrutiny and blushed. The way his cheeks reddened when he blushed was just so incredibly cute that I couldn't help but smile.

The way his hair almost danced whenever he made the smallest motion was so beautiful and almost explicit.

But his eyes… the most brilliant emerald green I had ever seen ever since **him;**it was almost as if they were the same person, but no… Oda – if that was even his name – would probably never go to a bar by himself and get into a conversation so easily with a man that was so obviously flirting with him. No. This is Onodera Ritsu, a guy I just met, who already has me almost wrapped around his finger, without knowing it? Oh hell... It's probably just the alcohol talking, nah; it's definitely the drugs talking…

I was brought out of my train of thoughts when Onodera started speaking again, I must have been awfully quiet…

"So what are you doing here Takano-san? Well except for drinking, I told you my tale".

"Well I was originally here with my friend Yokozawa, but he ditched me for a girl; but I was just lucky to find something more interesting to spend the evening with rather than him"… He must had caught the hint right? I mean it must have been obvious by that point that I was really into him.

"Oh, a..a..and what is that if I may ask"?

"_You_" I answered him blankly, I must have caught him off guard because he almost choked on his drink.

"Oh! Haha, w..why me if I may ask? I'm nothing special"- this guy was getting deeper and deeper under my skin; he was just so cute and sweet and naïve…

I lifted my hand again and traced my fingertips against his cheek. I traced them slowly down his face and caught his chin between my index finger and my thumb and I slowly turned his face towards mine, so my lips were mere inches away from his.

"I think that you are one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen in my life Onodera-Chan, and tonight I want to make you mine". I must have been very clear, because his face turned a bright red and his green eyes widened to an almost inhuman size. I had noticed that his lips were wet from the vodka, and I was very tempted to just lick the bittersweet liquid of his lips.

I was so close, I could almost taste him; and then… I did it. _I kissed him_. What did he do? Absolutely _nothing_. He was frozen, like a lake in the winter; but he trembled like the dry leaves on a tree when the cold and hard autumn wind would come across it. I broke the kiss and looked at him. He looked so vulnerable, so nervous, so confused and just so_… Beautiful_... He was quiet just staring at me; I started to panic was I too forward?

I decided to break the silence between us; it was killing me.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that".

"N..no it's okay, I was just a bit surprised haha"… My eyes widened by the words. So it was okay? I could really kiss him?

"May I kiss you again"? I asked a little hesitantly, I was afraid of being rejected.

"Y..yes, you may"… and I did it. I brought my lips to his again and it felt fucking great… and that leads us to _now_; me, Takano Masamune making out with Onodera Ritsu, in the back of a bar, feeling fucking _great_.

My lips kiss yours as if they are made of the softest fabric in the world. My hands caress your hair as if it's made of the finest silk. My tongue moves with yours in a passionate dance that screams of; lust, desperation, passion and a bit of _hope__…_

* * *

><p><em>I hope you enjoyedliked the chapter (: And as always; reviewing is appreciated ^^_


	4. Placebo

Authors Note/Disclaimer: I do not own Sekaiichi Hatsukoi. Hey everyone! Thank you for the kind reviews on the latest chapter; even though I didn't like it myself (: Well this time I am actually VERY pleased (; This is by far my second favorite chapter(I like the first more) ^^ I hope that you guys will enjoy it just as much as I enjoyed writing it! Masamune is now holding a knife against my throat saying he "..doesn't have time for half-assed work", so I better start on it now! As always; Booboobitxch666 you are the greatest beta-reader! "CHILL MASAMUNE! I WILL START IT NOW!"ENJOY!

* * *

><p><em>Placebo - Protect Me From What I Want<em>

I can't slow down. _I can't. _I'm practically dragging him with me. His hand is so warm in mine. His small nervous fingers are gently laced through my strong determined ones. He barely finished his sentence after agreeing to go home with me; before I dragged him out of the bar and headed for my apartment. The trains aren't running anymore the last train left hours ago so we walk. I can't wait, I want him, no, I **need** him.

"Ta...Takano-san! Please don't walk so fast, I can barely keep up with you".

I stop in my tracks and lay my gaze upon him. He is so beautiful I can hardly believe that for tonight at least he's mine. It's just after two in the morning and the moon is full. I look around and notice that we're crossing the park now; the only lights here are two streetlights and the moon. If I thought he was beautiful in the bar, now he is absolutely magnificent! The moons bright white light reflects off his perfect chocolate brown hair and his huge emerald eyes are so beautiful… I thought eyes like those only existed in fairy tales.

"We're almost at my apartment, if you still want to"- I started hesitating, if he didn't really want to go home with me _–_ I would give him the choice… "But I can always follow you home if you want?" '_Please don't say you want to go home, I don't want to be alone'_!

"Y..yes, I want to. You just walk so fast and it's not like we're in a rush, right"? Yes. Yes we are in a rush, **I** am in a rush, and I need you _now_.

I make my way towards him and stare deep into those emerald beauties. "Onodera-Chan, if we don't get to my apartment soon, I'm gonna burst". I could see the nervousness and confusion in his face, his eyes, and his body language; hear it in his voice, his words, _and every single little thing about him_. I bring my lips closer to his and whisper my final words. "I need to have you, taste you, be inside you; and make _love_ to you". Yes, _love_. This isn't just another fuck; I'll sure as hell make sure of that. I need to show him that he is gonna be mine, and just not for the night. I bring my index finger and thumb to his chin and lock them, just as I had done earlier, and I guide his face towards mine. With this kiss I give him a secret promise, tonight I will make him **mine**.

* * *

><p>"Ah...ah Takano-san"!<p>

"O…Onodera, ngh"!

God this is amazing. This isn't fucking, it's something more… this is making love. I have his fragile little body, locked in a tight embrace, as I thrust slowly in and out of him. He told me that he hadn't had sex with a man for many years, only girls, so I took my time and prepared him as much and as gently as I could, I didn't want him to hurtmore than he had to; but I can confirm from his breathless words and sounds that he is _really_ enjoying himself, and I couldn't be more pleased.

"Oh, ah! There Ta...Takano! There"!

"M...mh, here"? As I ask him I give him a more determined thrust, and he screams bloody murder, from the harsh push as I ram hard into him, pressing hard against the small bunch of nerves; god his voice is beautiful his sounds give me a high better than any drug.

I lean closer kissing his lips. I gently lick his bottom lip asking for entrance. I push my tongue into his mouth, he complies letting me in. Our lips lock, I lick his tongue like I'm tasting the sweetest honey on the surface, and our bodies are connected. It's a slow sensual pace, but my thrusts are getting deeper and deeper, eager and determined. I want him to feel extraordinary; I want him to be on fucking cloud nine! I want to be his best ever, so I can lay claim on him, so he'll never forget this night or me. My mouth is by his ear now, I'm whispering sweet words about how much I like him, yeah it's probably too soon, but he doesn't complain, he moans even more, his body writhing beneath me

"Ta…Takano"!

Oh god, I love his voice. It's very mature, but it still has a childlike ring to it, when he pitches at his highest pleasure. I raise myself up my palms are splayed out by his head. I look down at _us; _I was so desperate to get him into my bed that I didn't really take time to discover just how beautiful his body truly is. It's _gorgeous_. He isn't too thin, he is lean and he has abs. His abs aren't as muscular like mine, but damn he's sexy. He has delicious cream colored skin that looks tanned compared to my dull lack of color. It must be all the drugs...

"Ta...Takano! Ah"!

"God... You're so ti...tight!"

I start thrusting faster and harder in and out of him, my steady rhythm becoming slightly erratic; I'm close and god his voice is driving me crazy, it's like a freaking drug!

"F…faster Takano"!

"Faster"?

I look at him in disbelieve, but every word, every moan, every touch is like fuel for my body and lust, and I start pounding him harder.

"Ah...ah Takano I'm coming"!

"M…me too, ngh"!

Our orgasms rip through our bodies, fuck it feels amazing! I haven't had such an intense orgasm since… - no shut up! This isn't about **him** for fuck's sake! It's about Onodera Ritsu, this man I met less than 4 hours ago, lying under me, panting and moaning. I kiss him gently and pull myself out of him, we both shake, our bodies recovering from our intense orgasms, we still feel the high. I move over to the right leaning my back against the bedpost; I can't help but pull him into my arms so he is safely cuddled into my chest.

"That was fantastic" I sigh, I can't help but smile a toothy grin.

"Ye-yeah it was", I look down at him noticing that he's avoiding my eyes.

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you? Was I to rough"? I can't help but panic a little, I'm nervous as fuck and feel bad, I didn't want him to get hurt or scared of me.

"No no, that's not it, I really enjoyed it"... He looks upset like he's about to cry.

"Well? What's the problem then"? I don't like to see him like this, I still feel like I'm at fault.

"It's just like I told you earlier, I haven't had sex with a guy for years, and I have only done it with my ex-boyfriend, and yeah I'm not too sure how I'm feeling about all of this"…

"Oh… is there anything I can do to make you feel better"? '_I would do anything to make you feel safe_'.

"Just hold me like this, it's nice"... I smile, just _smile_, he is extremely adorable.

"Of course, will you stay the night"? I really hope he will say yes, I can't imagine him leaving now.

"Sure, if you want me to… I don't want to burden you"? He looks questioningly at me, so cute.

"Of course I want you to stay", and before I know of it, he is completely relaxed and sound asleep in my arms.

I take his little hand and lace my fingers with his; I see something what is that? I look closer.

_His wrist. Cuts. Deep cuts. Horrible cuts._

I'm frozen with him in my arms; I don't know what to do. _'Why'? Why is he doing this to himself? No one deserves to feel this way. No one deserves to feel like they have to hurt themselves to let go of everything'_! I carefully take a hold of his wrist and pull it closer to my face. I notice that there are some recent ones; one of them is still open, the skin hasn't even fully covered the wound and there is still some dried blood, but it looks fresh possibly only a few hours old. I actually remember something that happened earlier this night, but I didn't take much notice of it when it happened, that was when I was still really stoned, but I could hold my cool.

"_Takano-san, please excuse me a moment, I have to use the restroom"._

"_Sure, I'll just wait here", in my mind I was desperately begging him not to just ditch me, but he promised he would be back soon, so I trusted him though the wait almost killed me. I sat there in the back of the bar, waiting agonizing. Every second spent waiting was like a needle in my arm; ha needles… as if I'm gonna try that shit ever again! I'll just stick to the regular stuff._

_It had been ten minutes now and I was starting to get a little nervous. Shit, what if he __**actually**__ ditched me? 'Fuck! This is so humiliating! I thought he was interested he looked interested, damn he was so cute too, this is my own fault I came on too strong and'- I was brought back from my self-loathing musings when –_

"_Takano-san, sorry it took so long, I got a call". Call? But you said only ten minutes ago you forgot your phone? Nah, I must have heard him wrong._

"_Oh that's fine, don't worry", I kept my cool composed self, but inside I was making a victory dance while chanting 'YES YES YES'!_

"_Oh okay, glad it didn't bother you", I_ _did notice he was rubbing his right wrist, but I didn't take much more notice than that._

_Damn… maybe I should have taken more notice…'_

.. Should I even ask him when he wakes up? No, he would probably just say it's none of my business which it really isn't but… I will just try to forget it, or keep it locked inside of me, and save the questions for the future, if there even is a future. Well I do hope that he will maybe date me or at least keep in contact! I want to help him stop, even though I'm not much better, destroying my body getting high every day, maybe we can be each other's drug, or better yet something healthier like a *_placebo for each other?_

… All I know right now is, I have the most beautiful man lying in my arms, I'm happy as hell, I'm still a bit drugged and I'm tired as _fuck_…

* * *

><p>I really hope that you guys enjoyed this chapter! I would reviews are as always appreciated ^^ Till next time!<p>

*placebo is a pill or drug you give a patient to make him/her believe it actually works, but doesn't.


	5. Marionette

Authors-note. Hey everyone. So I have been gone for awhile now, sorry about that. Some problems in school, and I have been working on some other projects. Well now I'm back. I would really like to thank you my dear Beta-reader Booboobitxch666 for being such a great person and looking over this chapter. Even know she gets scary when she throws on the devil pants! We'll better get started on the chapter, because Masamune is holding me down to a chair, while Booboobitxch666 is holding a shot-gun against me. "Yes yes! I will start!" Enjoy!

* * *

><p><em>Tattle Tale - Glass Vase Chello Case<em>

The sunlight is so sharp through my eyelids. I'm awake I know that, but I just can't open my eyes yet. Is it because of fear? Fear of opening my eyes and realizing that I'm alone? Has he left? Am I lying in this bed by myself? But I'm warm. I feel warm, my body, heart and mind. Is he still there? I will risk the chance of losing these precious hours of company, by opening my eyes and see what's welcoming me. I will do it now. I will see what's on the other side of my eyelids. Wow... he is so inhumanly beautiful. I can't believe he is still here. Even though the others I have slept with usually stay for the night, they leave on their own accord. But he stayed, without even asking, and he would never have any reason to ask me, because I want him here. He is still sound asleep, I'm afraid of moving, because maybe he'll wake up and realize that 'shit he slept over himself'! I just hope that this wasn't a mistake of him, staying over.

Watching him sleep is kinda fascinating. He takes a breath and holds it in about 20 seconds before he takes another breath. I get a bit nervous from watching him, because I'm afraid that at some point he will stop breathing. His eyelids flicker when the sun traces his body. I want to hold his body in my arms again, in sleep he must have squirmed out of my arms, but I'm kinda afraid of breaking him; he looks so fragile, like a porcelain doll. '_What if I just touch him? That won't be too bad right?_' – But before I can touch his beautiful face, he opens his eyes… what do I see? Tired looking emerald's, trying to blink so they can take in the brightness of the sun, and the new picture. There is a bit of crunch in his eyes, but what do you expect? Nobody is perfect in the morning, but he looks so damn cute.

I brush my fingers against his cheek as a silent good morning; he returns it with lightly snuggling in to the touch. He looks at me, tired, curious, and it's all covered with a bit of longing. I don't know where his hands are, but I am silently answered by the brushing of his warm fingertips on my chest. _We only touch each other, no words, no questions, just __**touch**__._

My fingertips are trailing down from his cheek to his collarbone; I lightly trace it and feel every bone, every fiber, every inch. His breath hitches when I touch the skin by his Adams apple, and I find another place to touch. His fingers are now touching my abs, they touch every single bunch of muscles, and just continue, like his fingers are tracing through the riled sand on a beach. I move my stomach to get more pressure of his touch, a silent beg for _more. _I move my face closer to his, so our heavy breaths are mingling together.

It's harmless; it's innocent and so incredibly dirty and hot at the same time. I move closer to him, so our legs are brushing against each other. I lock my legs around one of his legs, so I can grind against him.

We moan, it's so hot, so intense, dirty yet so innocent and harmless at the same time. Fuck, my mind is twisting around; I can't control my words, my actions or sanity. I haven't noticed before now, my eyes are closed why the hell am I doing that? I want to see his face.

My eyes are met by emerald again; it's so hypnotizing, it's as if every single fiber of his eyes, are like mind fucking me. He has control over me. His mouth is open and I can see his pink tongue, it's dripping wet, and his mouth is hot. I meet his tongue with my own, and our tongues are dancing outside our mouths. Moans, grinding, sweat slicked bodies and bed covers that are being pushed back and forward on the bed are the only noises in the room. My finger tips are not at his arms, I'm touching his elbows, they are a bit rough, but smooth at the same time. I can feel that his fingers are also touching my arms.

My fingers are tracing further and further down his arm, until… _that. _My fingers gently brush his scars, cuts, rips, call them what you want I don't really give a fuck. As I thought he would, he flinches. He tries to pull his wrist back, but I lock his wrist in my hand. As earlier, no words are exchanged, only touches, sounds and looks. He hesitantly meets my eyes with his own and stares deep into my soul, it is like a silent plea. Helooks so hurt; he looks like he's begging for comfort, for someone to take the pain away. I pull his wrist closer to my face, and start to kiss his scars. I keep my gaze locked on him, and his eye lids are hazily hanging half closed, he is just watching and observing me, kissing and trying to heal his scars.

His light thin fingers are now tracing further down my own arms, and they are tickling me. Yes, as much as I don't like to admit it, I'm ticklish. I give a little jerk in my arm, and try to hold a snort, but he notices, he starts giggling. He's so unbelievingly cute. Too hear him laugh, is kind of a relief, to know that he is capable of taking the pleasure with the pain, to say the least. He continues to trace his fingers down my arm until… yes he noticed… after that little incident I talked about before, I had a little scar from the needle I used when I tried heroin. Onodera was quite choked when he noticed it, and pulled his fingers away. I took ahold of his wrist, again, and urged him to continue, to tell him that it's _okay. _That he is not the only one with scars on his body and soul. To feel this kind of connection with someone you have known less than twenty-four hours is unbelievable. It's like a breath of fresh air, like you haven't stepped out of your house in days, week, months, no fuck…years!

I started licking his scars again, and he whimpered tentatively he started to lick the small spot on my arm. I don't know if it hurt, or if it was because of the little offer to lick each other's wounds. I rolled him over so I was now lying on top of him. Our heartbeats mixing together in a lustful melody, we are still both naked, since none of us had thought of taking our clothes on again after last night. I moved closer to his lips, and kissed him sweetly. Why does it feel so special? Why is it so much more satisfying, heart wrenching and better than all the other stuff? How can a kiss be so much more overwhelming then being buried inside of his tight heat? Just one kiss from those beautiful, silky lips is enough to make me dizzy and disorientated. I begin kissing his cheeks, neck, collarbone, and enjoy the raspy sound of his breathing. His hand begins to travel south and before we know it, we are grasping each other's lower parts. It's still just touching, looks and sounds, no words. I press my entire weight on to him, covering him like a warm blanket; I'm just showing him that I can comfort him. I want to be inside of him again.

I look into his eyes, again, and ask again silently, no words, just looking, '_can I'_? I can see it in his eyes, and feel it in his touch, that yes he wants it to. And then I'm there, buried deep in him again, and it's **amazing**. Every thrust is a silent word, every touch a silent plea, every moan a silent thank you. It's not long before we are reaching our climaxes, I can feel him starting to get tighter around me, and he moans more. I can't keep my voice in either, it's so damn hot and dirty, and his body is just screaming for me. And then… we reach it. He is emptying himself on our chests, while I'm finishing inside of him.

_We only touch each other, no words, no questions, just touch._

My head feels so dizzy by now, and I'm trying to compose myself. I lift my head and look into his eyes again. They are so hazy and beautiful. I lean down to his lips, kiss him and whisper.

"… Please stay".

* * *

><p>I will start on the<strong> real <strong>story in the next chapter. As always reviewing is appreciated! - till next time! :D


	6. Reality

Voilá! Chapter 6 of 'Close up the Hole in My Vein'! As always I hope that you will enjoy it :3! - Thank you so much too my lovely, lovely, lovely Beta-reader, Booboobitxch666; you are the greatest! - You did an amazing job! Better get the story started, Masamune is talking about quitting and Booboobitxch666 is about to kill me... Enjoy!

* * *

><p><em>Placebo - Sleeping With Ghosts<em>

… _Please stay._

The sounds of liquor bottles and empty beer cans, were loud in my humble little college student apartment. It was Saturday evening and I had convinced Onodera to stay over for the night. Onodera or Ritsu, I'm not entirely sure of what I should call him, because even though I feel very close to him; I am afraid it would be too close addressing him by his given name. My two closest friends Yokozawa Takafumi and Izayu Shisuik were visiting because apparently Shisuik had some "fun stuff" that we should try out.

Shisuik is a guy I met at a rave party two years ago. He is my usual drug dealer, and he always has the good stuff I am guaranteed that none of it is cut or laced with anything I always get what I ordered nothing more, nothing less. At the age of 24, he has managed to graduate from college, get a job as a sales assistant in one of the best clothing stores in Tokyo, and get fired from the job because he was always coming in late, and became a very successful drug dealer, for scumbags like myself. In the two years I have known him, I have learned a lot about him. He has a sick temper, and you have to be careful with what you say to him, but if you know him well enough, you'reperfectly safe. Is he handsome? Yes I would say so, but I find myself intimidate by him. Why you ask he sat with Onodera over an hour talking about some books they both had read, I couldn't help but feel a little jealous. It looked as if he had taken a liking to Onodera, and wasn't too sure I liked that.

I tried for about twenty minutes to kick Shisuik and Yokozawa out, to no avail. And Onodera said he was ok with it. He thought we were only gonna drink, but it turned out we would be doing something much different.

* * *

><p>I was sitting on the couch Onodera's head resting in my lap, while Shisuik was in my lounge chair, totally wasted. Yokozawa left about an hour ago, saying he didn't want to hang out with us drugged out losers, fair enough; he doesn't have to get in to this shit. I had taken two lines of coke and was feeling pretty damn good. While Shisuik had only smoked some weed he had never really been into the hard stuff in the two years I had known him I had only seen him smoke pot but that was about it. Onodera in this case was really stoned. I tried to convince him not to take anything, but he just shrugged me off saying<em> "I'm a big boy Takano, I'm old enough to decide what I should and should not do<em>; he was of course right. What right did I have? to tell him what to do? I was just a two time lay, hopefully more? – I had convinced him to stay over again, and he was probably also gonna stay the night; a man could hope. There was no way I could in good conscience let him go home in this condition. At least he only smoked weed, and didn't try out the cocaine like I did not that I needed to he made the right choice in the end, but I had decided that if he had wanted to try cocaine I would stop it from happening, god knows how he would have reacted if he had only been drunk before, and then suddenly tried out cocaine? I needed to go to bathroom, I felt so wasted…

I moved Onodera's head from my lap, and kissed him on the forehead, telling him that I needed to use the restroom, he only looked at me, and then closed his eyes, he was pretty stoned. Walking through my apartment is pretty dangerous; I mean there are liquor bottles and glasses all over the floor! I turned on the light switch and looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't know why but… I looked happier? I looked healthier, even though I was high as a kite at the time. I still had bags under my eyes, I was still pale, was still too thin, but the thing was, I was_ smiling_. And no, not that fake smile. That polite one you use when people try to talk with you and you don't want to be rude, this was a big genuine goofy smile, I actually looked like a sappy dork. I had no particular reason for smiling; I was just standing alone in the bathroom staring at myself in the mirror.

But I was smiling… because of him… Onodera, and who wouldn't smile if they had such an amazing person by their side. Did I know anything about him? No. Did I care? No not really. Just having him there near me in my apartment was good enough for me. I wanted to get to know him better; learn some more about him and soon. But right then I was just gonna appreciate having him there. I could hear that Onodera and Shisuik were talking, but it was difficult to make out what they were talking about because the door was closed, and the living room was past the kitchen. I walked out of the bathroom and made my way towards the living room, where I stopped at the doorframe just out of sight but where I could hear everything they said and not been seen. _'What the hell are those two talking about'? _I knew it was impolite to eavesdrop on others conversations, but I was just too curious to not listen.

"Onodera-kun, are you in love with Takano?"

"Oh! Ehm… maybe, I don't know… I mean, I really like him, he is so kind towards me, and we have only known each other since yesterday evening, and I know it's irrational but I feel kinda… treasured by him you know? And that's a feeling that I haven't felt for years."

Treasured by me? Hell… he could read me like an open book by now, it was like all the walls I had so carefully built up had been torn down and destroyed by his sweet emerald eyes I just wanted him to know that I was the real thing, that what I felt was the real thing.

"So you had a boyfriend before? You did say it had been years since you've felt treasured like this."

"Well I used to date a guy back in high school; I was only fifteen and he was seventeen, but Shisuik doesn't my attraction to men disgust you?

"Oh don't worry about that Onodera-kun! I'm bi-sexual myself, so I have absolutely no problem with it. Anyways, I think Takano is a very lucky man to have found you."

I was glad that Shisuik was happy on my behalf, but I was still a little nervous about him. He looked like he was really attached to Onodera after knowing each other for three hours, and Onodera seemed fairly attached to him too… But I myself opened up pretty fast for Shisuik, he just has this power to make people want to open up to him he has a soothing presence.

"… yeah, but I believe that I'm the luckier one. When I was in high school, five years ago, I had a boyfriend" he sighed almost wistfully "Saga-Senpai I thought he treasured me but I…"

Wait what? _'.. I had a boyfriend… "Saga-Senpai?" _

You have got to be shitting me… _Ritsu_? My Ritsu? My beautiful little Ritsu who for five years I had been searching for?

'_Saga-Senpai'…_

That **voice**! That fucking voice is there again! No, no this can't be true! Oda Ritsu. My sweet, beautiful little ex-boyfriend is sitting on my couch, with my friend, and in five years he has transformed into this beautiful young man? No way! Seriously? This is too surreal.

'_What the hell should I do? The kid broke my heart! Should I kick him out? And tell him "sorry but you're not welcome here" But I'm not sure I can say it I think I've fallen in love all over again!_

I ran back to the bathroom. What the? My face… it was gone. My smile; I wasn't smiling anymore. Again I looked like… him. I was looking at the man I hated, the man with no goal in life, the guy who got fucked up every weekend, and occasionally on school days. The guy who doesn't have anyone to love… I looked hard into my own eyes. _'No Masamune. Don't you fucking ruin this. This is your chance! Your chance to get everything you want again! Your Ritsu! You don't have to tell him'! A small voice whispered in the back of my mind "Everything could be the way it was before you can start over and he doesn't even have to know that this is a second chance"_ … But I knew that I had to, at some point tell him. Or else, I would have been misleading him, keeping secrets from him, _lying to him. _

Splashing some water on my face, yeah that might help? I turned the faucet on, the water was heating up. I needed some warmth now; I needed something to get me back to reality. Every time I splashed the water in my face, it was like a smack to bring me back to reality.

My mind was racing I blame the fucking drugs_ Reality_ 'Its Oda Ritsu' Onodera Ritsu I guess no wonder I couldn't find him… _Reality_ 'He left you'. _Reality_ 'And why shouldn't you just kick him out?' _Reality_ 'He broke your heart and look at you now!' _Reality_ 'You look dead and feel dead'. _Reality_ '… but now he is back' and you feel a spark of life. _Reality… 'you still love him'… Reality… 'you still love him'… Reality… 'you still love him'…_

"Fuck… I still love him"…

A little knock on the door, and that's the last step to defiantly smack me back to reality.

"Takano-san, are you okay? Onodera and I are a little worried; you have been in there for a while now".

Fuck its Shisuik... what should I say?

"Ehm.. I'm just getting some water! I'm pretty stoned haha"! My laugh sounds off.

"Oh okay, well I'm leaving now and Onodera is still in the living room, see ya' around"!

"Yeah see you; I'll call in a couple of days"!

Now he's gone. And I have to face reality… or turn my back on it…

Walking into the living room again, I find Ritsu sitting with his beer, gazing at it thoughtfully. His eyes are bloodshot and glassy, and he's just sitting there contemplating... What I'm not too sure. I walk over to him and sit next to him. I turn my head and wait for him to notice me, he does. Turning his head he locks gazes with me.

… And I just see it… those eyes. The past. The love. The hurting. The abandonment… but I also see… _Onodera. _I'm not just seeing _Oda. _Maybe I can in fact play it off? Act like this is nothing. Like we never had anything. Like a new start. Maybe I can in fact save us, by keeping the truth to myself.

"Takano? Are you okay?" I snap back to reality and look him intensely in the eyes. He looks concerned

"Yeah, everything's fine; _Onodera_". I smile and stroke his soft chocolate hair with my hand. He smiles lazily at me. But he looks too genuine and sweet. He rests his head on my lap again.

_This is reality… the love of your life is back… and you can't even tell him… because you are afraid… what are you afraid of? You are afraid of… __**reality**__…_

* * *

><p><em>Hope you enjoyed the chapter. I look forward too hearing your responses! Till next time~<em>


	7. Fragile

Authors note: (**Important**) Hey guys, it's Lene! I've been gone for a while now. I have been going through a depression these last months (still going through, But I'll manage). I've missed you guys :'D Did you miss me :3? I hope so... Oh well! This is the new chapter of my story, and I hope you guys will enjoy it! (Oh yes, some of you have may heard I dropped out of college, but I changed my mind :) ) PLUS!+ can we get a round of applause for my fantastic beta-reader **Booboobitxch666?** She's AWESOME~~ (doing it Barney style).

**OBS**! Some of you have been asking me in the reviews to make them stop using. I am going to write this story as realistically as possible, and that means not having love conquer all from the beginning, having Masamune stop drugs as soon as he realizes that the one he loves is back is just not realistic, he is an addict. This story is about how love makes us blind, and clouds our senses until it's too late to turn around and go back and change our decisions. I want to take you all out on a journey through addiction, hitting rock bottom and helping each other up. This is a story about love, strength and fighting the disease of addiction. In the end love is all that matters yes, but it will take a lot to make Masamune and Ritsu forgive themselves for dragging each other down to rock bottom. A little reference to chapter 2 'Exorcism' Masamune said that he was a few steps away from being at the bottom of the food chain, but he is wrong, because he is in fact nowhere near the bottom he will be. I hope you still will enjoy the story! - and that I haven't ruined your hopes but they will be clean in the end! (**OBS!x2**! If you go back and look at the older chapters, you will be able to see that I have changed a lot (like spelling errors, awkward lines etc. etc. so the story is a lot better now) I have also dedicated a song too EVERY chapter! The story is NOT a song-fic, but it's just songs that inspired me for every chapter!) And yes, there is a lot of swearing in this story:) **OBS!x3!** Some of you are saying it's very OOC of them to be taking drugs… This is a Fan Fiction website this is not meant to be OC it is an alternate universe, there are many other OOC stories on the site, Mpreg, pirates, prostitutes, Neko's and vampire's etc… I have no problem and no one else seems to mind this is just a more serious story that deals with real life problems and being strong, pulling yourself up after you fall hard. I do not mean to be insulting but if you do not like this simply do not read it, it is in the end your choice - taking drugs or getting drunk, or going out and have sex with some random person, is something every single person is capable of. + remember, they are 20 and 22 years old in this story; nobody knows how they personally were in canon at these ages? I'm sorry guys; I really appreciate all of your support, and hope you understand where I am coming from. I'll shut up now! Love you all! ENJOY!

* * *

><p><em>Crystal Castles - Empathy<em>

Damn my bed is cold… I can't sleep… He said that he would come back tomorrow after school though; I really do hope that he keeps his promise. 'Of course he will Masamune Don't lie here and think badly about him'?

It's Sunday… well actually Monday since its past midnight, I'm laying alone in my bed, trying to fall asleep, but I can't stop thinking about him. Onodera Ritsu… my Ritsu. He left early Sunday, around noon, and I can't help it I feel… alone… again.

* * *

><p><em>Earlier this Sunday...<em>

_"W...wait why do you have to leave now"?_

_"Takano-san… I've been here since Friday night, and its Sunday now... I gotta go home"…_

_It came as quite the let down when Onodera told me that he had to head home, a shock even; in my mind he was never leaving me again but I couldn't help but understand, like me he had school tomorrow and like me, he had homework to do. 'Shit! Homework! I totally forgot about it! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck'! I looked at him sadly, but I nodded my head to point out that I understood him._

_"Takano-san? What if I came over tomorrow after classes? Would that be okay"? He asked tentatively._

_My eyes took the form of surprise, from the sad look I wore only seconds ago. I kept my gaze locked with his serene eyes. 'Come back tomorrow'? I ask cautiously, subconsciously suppressing my hope He really does have no idea of how happy he makes me… I walk slowly up to him, and pull him into my chest. I lean down so my mouth is on the same level as his right ear._

_"I would love that", I whispered serenely a small smile on my lips. I pull back and lock eyes with him again, brown gazing into green he looks so happy. And I'm happy, because this is my Ritsu and he is finally back in my life (even if he doesn't know he's back yet). Out of nowhere I suddenly feel the slightest pressure on my left cheek soft, wet lips make contact with my cheek. I stared at him with wide eyes, and take in the sight… a sight I have missed so much in the past 5 years and am overjoyed too see again, he is blushing. He smiles at me, turns around, puts a hand on the door knob, turns it… and leaves the apartment. What do I do?_

_I crumple into a million pieces, fall to the floor and pull myself into a little ball. I cry my heart out. I cry like a little baby, and you are probably thinking, 'why? Ritsu is back in your life. You should be glad!' And yes, I am glad, I am the happiest I have been in five years. But it is just too much I'm overwhelmed. So much has happened in only three days. I meet a guy in a bar, I like him, I flirt with him, I feel hypnotized by him, and it all seems so familiar. I take him home, I make love to him, and I fall asleep with him in my arms, I find out that he is cutting himself! And fuck I did not expect that… and the next I know... I find out that this guy... This guy with the most beautiful emerald colored eyes. The softest chocolate brown colored hair. And the cutest blush on his cheeks, this broken young man who cuts himself. I find out that… he's my ex-boyfriend my first and only love. The one I have been searching for, for five fucking years is this beautiful young man… who hurts himself now. Who makes himself take a blade, a knife, a razorblade, an 'I don't give a fuck what it is', thing, that tears into his beautiful skin… and I just have this ugly sick feeling that… That maybe it's my fault? And that's why I'm so afraid of telling him that I am that guy from the library five years ago. I am the one who took his virginity that warm spring evening in my bedroom, on my bed. I am that guy who could make him blush whenever I wanted by just looking at him. I am the man he left..._

And now I'm here… in my bed, alone, cold, sad, elated and, confused all these conflicting emotions tormenting my mind and I just need to sleep. So I close my eyes, settle further and more comfortably in my bed. Take some deep concentrating breaths and let the sleep wash over me… with one thought on my mind… Don't you _fucking_ dare ruin this Masamune.

* * *

><p>Well school sucks. It's not that I'm bad at school, I'm pretty decent but the lessons feel like they are never ending. I'm sitting in the cafeteria at the moment, enjoying a well-deserved hot cup of coffee, and a sandwich (doesn't sound like the healthiest lunch, neh?), while reading my literature notes again. Literature is the only class I'm actually serious about, but for everything else it's just… blah… I don't really care about school anymore. And today is one of those days where it's pretty obvious. But it's because of an entirely different reason today. Onodera Ritsu, my green eyed muse promised to visit me after school. And it's been on my mind all day long. I can't wait to have him over, but… what should I entertain him with? Talking about books? (Well we did that in high school, so I guess it's not a bad idea), or maybe… sex? 'Wait? Why only sex, you're such a pervert Masamune, it's not like you only want sex from him but... damn, five years without him, that opens up a lot of makeup sex, but he doesn't know that you are '<em>Saga<em>', so I have to be discrete.

"Masamune". Looking up I notice Yokozawa standing in front of me. Yokozawa also goes to M. University, but he studies economics, so it's rare we actually have a lesson together and today was not one of those days.

"Yo, Yokozawa, what's up"? Ugh... I know he is my best friends but sometimes he can be such a… a... mama bear! And it's not wrong, I actually like that caring side of him, but there has to be a limit when you are in his 'care'.

"I was wondering if you had time for studying tonight. We have that report on the properties of Vectors and Scalars and the real world for math class it's due on Wednesday, so we could just finish it tonight". Oh yeah… Yokozawa and I usually do our math together, since I got quite a shock when I found out how much more difficult math was in college, compared too high school. Math and high school… that reminds me of Oda and me… He wasn't too bright when it came too math, all those long days at the library that I would use to explain him that no, algebra and Sinus, have nothing to do with each other. I snicker a bit, I just remember that one time when he was so conflicted with himself, and he dashed from our table to find a dictionary. Those cute little things he could do, that would just flick in my heart. Shit did I say Oda? I meant Onodera, since that's apparently his name now. What the fuck even happened to the Oda? Did his parents get a divorce or something?

"So… what do you"?

"Hm what? Sorry, was in my own little world for a moment there".

"Math, studying, tonight, your place"?

"Oh yeah yeah, sorry Yokozawa I'm getting a visitor after school".

"Hn... and who is that, if I might ask"? Shit… Why does he always believe that when I say I have plans it either involves drugs, alcohol or some chick(well guy sometimes) that I have too fuck? Jeez… that's what I call trust from a best friend, though… he has his reasons to be concerned.

"It's not what you think. It's Onodera, he promised me he was gonna come over after he finished classes". No reason to lie.

"That kid from the weekend huh? What are you even trying to get out of this? You're just using him as a way of coping that relationship with that little kohai of yours five years ago". Oh shut up Yokozawa... you have no idea what you're talking about if only you knew… He _is_ that 'little kohai' of **mine**.

* * *

><p>I was sitting at home and it was already eight-forty-eight in the evening. No sign of Onodera.<p>

I am relaxing in my lounge chair (relaxing as well as I can), and am pondering why hasn't he shown up yet? Did something come up? Did he forget about it? Or was he just staying away? After this long hard day at school, I'm pretty bombed and can't really make myself useful anymore. I just have to sit and wait…

A little knock on the door, and I carefully opened my eyelids. I look at the clock and see that it is freaking eleven-twenty-four at night. That means I have been sleeping for 3 hours. My eyes dart from the clock to the window and I see that it has been raining. I make my way towards the door not even thinking of who might be there. No thought of Onodera running through my mind, since I just woke up. I tear the door open and am greeted by a mess.

His brown hair transformed from the cute messy mop, to lifeless locks sticking to his forehead and cheeks. He's soaked to the bone, and a quivering mess. I can't see his eyes because his head bowed, and his bangs are covering his eyes. For some reason, I feel horrible looking at him. He didn't even wear a jacket!

"Onodera?" No sign, so I step forward and lean a bit so my hands are resting on his shoulders and my face is right in front of his. "Hey, hey Onodera"? He looked up.

It wasn't rain. I could see that. Rain wouldn't make his eyes this puffy and red. Rain wouldn't make him look so pale, and so hurt and so… vulnerable. He has been crying. Allot from what I can see. He looks at me with pleading eyes, and something just snaps in me. I grab his arm and pull him inside and slam the door behind me. I pull him into the bathroom and take off his drenched clothes. He says nothing staying silent staring at the floor. When he's only in his boxers I pull him into my chest and hug him. He has a puzzled look on his face; I can almost read his thoughts looking into his eyes _'why are you so gentle? Why are you hugging me'?_ But no words come out. He's ice-cold and quivering. I draw a bath for him in my bathtub, and when it's done I pull him from the ground and place him in the warm water. I take of my own clothing and get in too; I pull him in so he is leaning against my chest. I rub small circles all over his body, trying to warm his small body. But when I get to his wrists, I can feel them again. But they aren't old. They are fairly new, 3 hours old at most. _Those fucking scars._ He turns his head away in shame and starts crying again. I hate it; I hate to see him cry. I hug him from behind, and I can hear his soft pleading voice.

"Please make it stop, please make it stop hurting". How could my beautiful strong, Ritsu, be reduced to this vulnerable mess. This is my Ritsu, my sweet, vulnerable Ritsu. Who could break at any moment in my arms physically and mentally. I don't answer him at first I can't think of what to say; I just look at us in the water, and the red that drips steadily from his wrists.

"I will, I promise you I will make it stop. I won't let anything hurt you", especially not the truth.

* * *

><p>I hope it was worth the wait (: As always reviewing is appreciated. And no worries, the next chapter is right around the corner (I already started on it)! :) Till then!<p> 


	8. Nostalgia

I..it's done.. IT'S DONE! HAHAHAHAHA XD! sorry... going crazy ^^' thank you to my amazing beta-reader **Booboobitxch666** love you! I also love all of my readers who have been complaining about this chapter! Yes I know it's been a decade xD But I'm glad to see you are still here for me ^^ Also thank you too **MoonlightatDusk** for giving me my 100th review! I finally hit it :D So.. without further ado, here is chapter 8 ^^!

* * *

><p><em>Veto - Cannibal<em>

_"I'm so tired of this"…_

… _They were __such sad, tired, hopeless words._

"_Tired of what"?_

… _Questioning, curious, caring words._

"_This; me feeling like this... I used to be such a positive person and now… I…I__'m__ just __tired__"…_

… _sad, tired, hopeless answers._

"_Onodera… what happened? Why did you wait so long to come here? Why do you feel like this"?_

… _Again; questioning, curious, caring questions._

"_I…I just had a bad day, I wasn't feeling too well and I… I c…c…"_

"… _cut yourself again"._

_I finished his sentence. I knew it was too much for him._

_He bows his head in shame, anger and I believe; disgust._

"_I'm so hopeless"…_

"_You're not hopeless Onodera… you're just broken; but I'll do anything for you, __I'll try to__ fix you again"._

* * *

><p>"Onodera, you should eat more".<p>

It had only been a week since Onodera showed up at my apartment that night, soaked to the bone. After we had been in the bathtub where I brought him, and we had talked; I carried him to my bed were we slept. He had fallen asleep in the bathtub, after talking… leaning against my chest.

Onodera spent Tuesday at my place, when I left for school; he stayed at home saying that he wasn't feeling too well and that he didn't want to go to school. When we were in the tub, I noticed just _how _thin he was. I was even more concerned when I carried him, and noticed he was as light as a feather.

"It's okay Takano-san, I just don't have a big appetite and unlike you I don't eat even if I'm not hungry" he answered with a small smile on his lips. Though I could see in his eyes, he couldn't believe his own lie. He was still the same Ritsu from high school, but I had noticed that before the Ritsu I knew him as, would always deny being flustered or annoyed or needing anything or anyone, this Ritsu however _wasn't_ scared of telling you how he felt… it still showed on his facial expressions and especially in his _blush, _and he wouldn't deny it. He would though still go out of his way, to be sure of other peoples comfort before his own. This is why he is lying to me, but I don't want to point it out to him; because what I also learned later on in our relationship in high school, was that Ritsu had a _temper_, and wasn't afraid to bite.

I knew Ritsu wasn't anorexic or bulimic because I've seen him eat, and I haven't noticed or heard any suspicious things when he's in the bathroom. He just… lets things wait for when he really wants it or needs it. It wasn't like we were acting like a couple or anything like that. After Tuesday he went home to his own apartment again, and I first saw him again Friday. When we were finally together, we just spent our time speaking about books, me smoking a cigarette and him just staring off in space. We were quite frankly just some poor losers. Shisuik came over again Saturday afternoon, where Onodera and I had slept on the couch, after I helped him with some of his math homework (damn, bad memories).

Shisuik announces that he has some new pot off the market and that he brought some so we could try it out. Onodera is looking at us, like we just found a cure for cancer, and he wants to know more.

"C...can I try"?

"No" I answer stiffly there's no room for any more questions, but he asks anyways.

"Why not Takano-san? I've tried it with you before"? He sounds indignant, and a little pissed truth be told; he really doesn't want to let it go huh…

"Because one time is enough Onodera, I don't want you to get addicted to this stuff".

"Oh come on Takano-san, let the boy try some, it's just pot". Ha Shisuik, _just_ pot? Fuck, it's that stuff that made me want more, made me want something stronger, and now you are offering it to a kid who is more mentally unstable than I am? I look at Onodera again a light blush paints his cheeks.

"Onodera, I can't tell you no, I mean it is your choice in the end… But, I don't want you to get caught up in this".

Onodera looks at me with a puzzled look, I'm sure he doesn't understand what I mean, but for now, the only thing I can do is give him a choice.

"I…I can take care of myself Takano-san, anyways as Shisuik-san said 'it's just pot'"…

Sigh… Onodera how can you be so blunt in this kind of situation?

"Fine; then it's okay". Fuck why did I agree? But what other choices do I have? Onodera is his own person, not even my lover or boyfriend… he's just a friend. At least that's what it is supposed to look like; a difficult task when I feel so much more for him.

"Great! Then let's light this baby up, and get higher than the night sky"! Shisuik exclaimed with a much cheerier voice than a 'non-addict' should hold towards pot. In all the time I have known Shisuik, he always told me that he wasn't an addict. "A good dealer never samples his own product" he said to me once.

Shisuik lit the so called baby, and puffed on it a couple of times, before passing it over towards me.

As I inhale the acrid smoke, I can't help but wonder; how _did_ Onodera become like this? He's nothing like the little puppy he was back in high school; where did this reckless young man come from? He's leaning towards the couch; his back facing me, since I'm sitting on the couch. He has his head leaning back towards the couch cousins, and his eyes are closed. Shisuik has left the living room and is now sitting in the kitchen, doing what? I don't really know.

I can't help but feel peaceful, when I look at Onodera's peaceful face while he slowly relaxes. It's his turn now to smoke, but I have an idea to make this a little more fun.

"Onodera, come here a second".

Onodera opens his eyes and looks at me; a puzzled look on his face, but complies I motion for him to come up and sit by me.

"Yes Takano-san"?

"Just sit there, and open your mouth a bit okay"?

He looks even more puzzled than before, but complies anyways. Without words I lean close to his face, and inhale deeply. I lean close enough our lips are barely brushing each other. I can almost taste the sweetness of his lips. I exhale into his mouth, open my eyes and watch as Onodera inhales the smoke as I breathe it out. It's almost unbearable to watch my ex-boyfriend, lover, kohai, my little Ritsu, playing this dangerous game with me, but another part of me can't forget how incredibly seductive it is to watch him inhale and exhale my smoke. His eyes are closed and relaxed, and as he exhales the smoke it surrounds me and I fall into a small trance of my own. I think of a world where nothing is what it looks like. A world where I can do whatever the fuck I want, where there isn't a Saga-Senpai or Oda, broken hearted misunderstandings, or surnames, a world where there is only Ritsu and Masamune. There is no past, no love declarations, and no objections, there are no breakups, and there are no tears, no broken hearts, no…

"Takano-san"? I'm brought out of my smoky thoughts and my eyes open and lock gazes with Onodera's emerald orbs.

"Shisuik-san left about 10 minutes ago, and you've been kinda out of it for 5 minutes, what happened"?

Yeah… what the fuck did happen? I usually never react this way to only smoking pot, but I guess the stress has taken its toll on me. I look around in the living room and notice that the joint is smoldering in the ashtray, half smoked and almost dead.

"Why didn't you smoke more Onodera"? I look and him and he only shrugs and answers, "I wanted to wait for your turn. I'm still new at this and I didn't want to smoke by myself so I was waiting for you but you were just staring at nothing."

I notice that his eyes are glazed and unfocused, but the pot hasn't taken its full effect on him yet, either he'll be gazing around the living room in 3 minutes and look like a mentally handicap who can't find his toy, wondering what the hell is going on, or he'll be laying on the floor laughing his ass off. I hope it's the latter, since I always thought that kind of high was a waste of pot.

"May I ask you something Takano-san"?

"Yes of course".

"H…have you ever been called disgusting"?

Fuck… where the hell did that come from?

"Ehm no, not that I recall, but can I ask why you're asking me Onodera"?

I look back at him uncertainly; I can't read people and especially not Onodera when he's like this. Back in high school he was an open book everything he thought or felt was laid out before you plain on his face, no matter how much he tried to hide it, but what I've learned in the past week is that now he is quite the contrary. This Ritsu isn't afraid of showing who he is, but it's about reading him right or he seems stony and brooding. Every single thing he does in his life is as pure hearted and willing as it can get, but there is more to it than it seems. He is not thinking about what he is doing, but rather thinking about _why_ he is doing it, and how it will help others. Onodera doesn't live in the moment, he both lives in the past and in the future and that is his way of living his life. He has goals he wants to reach, or past memories that either fuel him or hold him down.

"It's just because… that Monday when I showed up all drenched and hopeless was because I thought about a bad memory from my past"…

"What was it"?

"I was in love with this guy in high school, and when I saw him I would get all mushy and blushy and I just (couldn't) keep my head straight, and I finally found the courage to tell him how I felt but… a week after I told him, he probably had a bad day and I guess it was my fault somehow, but he just snapped at me and called me disgusting… and even though we actually dated after that, he never told me he was sorry and I can't help but think… _am_ I disgusting"?

He is looking me straight in the eyes, and I swear my heart just skipped a beat. Why didn't I ever tell him I was sorry? Why did I ever think it was okay for me to be so unnecessarily cruel to him? Why did I believe that such a young pure boy could just go on with his life and not remember or be affected by the mean things I said and did to him? and still… why can't he recognize me?

I was about to answer when suddenly…

"I…I'm s...s…sorry about t…that I should never h…a…hahahaha"!

He's laughing! He's actually really laughing right now? He is _actually_ lying on the floor on his back while clutching his stomach because he's… _laughing_!

"Onodera? Are you okay"?

"Y…yes I am haha! I'm sorry it's just hilarious!" He keeps on laughing and I don't know why, but I'm starting to laugh too.

"W…why hahaha, is it so hilarious"? I can feel my stomach muscles clenching from my laughing and I lie down on the ground next to him and laugh with him.

"B…because I just h…had that totally emo speech just now, a…and now I don't know why but it's so damn funny I'm lau..haha…ghing and I'm laughing even more t…talking about, hahaha, it"!

I decide to not question his choice (well it's not really his choice because it's seriously just because he's really stoned) and just keep on laughing along with him and thinking that maybe this is a good thing? That we can laugh at his past right now even though that he doesn't know it's _our_ past and not just his. And I know that soon something is gonna change this, and all my lies from the past week will be flowing out, but as much as I want to I just _can't_ make myself tell him. I _won't_; because as long as he knows me like this, there is no 'Saga-Senpai' in me. Only Takano Masamune… A stranger and friend… A good guy; a placebo for past pains he doesn't need to know I was the cause of.

* * *

><p>I decided to get Onodera out of the apartment for a bit. I noticed that in the time we had spent together, we had only been outside of the apartment once, and that was when he told me he was going for a walk that rainy evening. After thinking of all the places I wanted to show him or just take him, I decide we should go for a little walk down the streets, to my favorite bookstore. I really want to take him to the library, but being in a library with him would bring too many memories back. The bookstore we are going to, is one of those musty ones that sells old used books, those ones have always been my favorite. Each book has its own story, not just the one within the cover. A personal history and past that grows and changes with the passing of time, always judged for how it looks never for what it contains. I always felt so much like one of those old books. A past of my own that showed everyone looking at the outside angry, torn, unloved, cold, and unapproachable. No one ever thought to look inside and see what might be there; that there might have been something to love. No one except this young man beside me staring at these old books with a reverence and appreciation not seen outside of scholars and literature professors; he saw the cover but fell in love with what was inside. I admire him. I love him.<p>

We arrived at the little bookstore, and when I opened the door for us I was pulled into the past. Why hadn't I ever noticed just how much this store reminded me of the library at our old school?

I feel a moments unease, but ignore it for now and I follow in after Onodera

We were messing around a bit acting like teenagers though we were both technically "young adults", me trying to convince him that buying some Bleach wouldn't make him a manga nerd, buthim saying no; stressing that he only likes literature.

Eventually we get down to business and I am once again drawn into the books. I lose track of time and when I look up from a particularly interesting book I can't see Onodera, I can't find him. Suddenly he was gone. Though it wasn't a big bookstore, finding another person between all of the shelves, was quite the task. I'm starting to panic I think about calling for him when I turn the corner and see him. There he stands at the shelves at the back of the store, where I find him stretching almost comically on his tip toes trying to reach a book on the top shelf. I laugh to myself and stalk over to help him.

He notices my presence and asks what's up. I only reach for his book, smile at him and hand it to him. Onodera takes the book gratefully with a little thanks, looks me in the eyes.

And then time... stops.

The only thing my senses can compute is the sound of Onodera's book hitting the floor.

Onodera's green eyes stare at me terrified, filled with, surprise, sorrow and betrayal.

I can feel my heart stop as understanding floods my mind… He's figured it out.

I can barely breathe; I have to explain before he leaves again I can't bring myself to look away from him. I can't even speak my mouth is open but no sound is coming out. I see him turn and I will my hand to grab him and explain, but my body won't listen I'm paralyzed, I can hear the loud sound of Onodera running, the bell from the door jingling and just like that he's gone. I stand there dread lying heavy in my chest, staring at the door feeling desolate and depressed. I find myself wondering how many times he'll run away from me before I break and will I ever see him again?

* * *

><p>So... what did you guys think xD? Haven't started on the next chapter yet; and I don't wanna promise anything ^^ hope you liked it!<p> 


	9. News

**So yeah.. a lot of things has happened since I last posted a chapter.. don't really know if I should write anything more here.. I do not own SiH nor any of the characters. (I missed writing this story)**

* * *

><p><strong>2 years earlier:<strong>

"So you're telling me that this will help me relax?"  
>"Yes I'm assuring you, it will make you calm down"!<p>

"It's a fucking drug".

"No it's a fucking valium, now shut the fuck up do you want to feel better or not"?

I sighed in defeat, raised the bottle of water to my mouth and swallowed the valium, he had better not be messing with me.

My apartment was a mess.. dirty dishes that were pilled up at my kitchen sink. Used clothes and towels on the bathroom floor and all of my notes and books were laying in messes on my floor, thank god Yokozawa took the cat away, poor thing having to live in this mess owned by an even bigger mess.

I wasn't alone, Shisuik was there and Yokozawa had just gone out buying some beer and bread to me. Shisuik had only known me for a month now, but he had already seen me in my worst states.  
>When I was sad, when I was angry, when I was pissed, when I was happy, when I was happy and drunk, when I was happy and drugged but this was different; now I was paranoid and freaking out.<p>

My mother had called me earlier, telling me that the divorce she had filed against my father finally came through and that I know was Takano Masamune and no longer Saga Masamune. Saga was gone, he was gone with my social-security number, in the phone-books and at the post-office.. what if Oda tried contacting me and there was no Saga Masamune to find? I already have problems with finding him.

"Why do you even care Masamune? You haven't seen him in years.. why should things suddenly change?"  
>"Because they have to".. I started feeling more relaxed in my body, concentrating better and I felt more at ease with myself. Finally more room to think.<p>

I feel like sleeping. Just wrap myself up in the comfort of my bed and dream it all away. Dream of him, of us and what we could have been. Dream of his hair, his eyes, his body and his lips.. his sweet innocent lips.

I can almost feel them, but they aren't soft nor innocent and they smell of weed. I push Shisuik of me and he falls to the floor.

"Dude what the fuck are you doing"!?

He looks at me with a slight annoyance in his eyes and Yokozawa walks into the room with a beer in his hand looking displeased at us.

"You two, get your fucking shit straight. We have a math test tomorrow so don't fuck it up. I put the bread in the cabinet and the beer in the fridge and Masamune would you please soon remove that desk out in your hallway? It takes up too much space!", I didn't have time to answer him before he grabbed his jacket and fled the apartment. Shisuik just laughed and shrugged it all off.

"Sorry I just thought you might needed it, you seemed pretty lonely", what a fucking douche.  
>"If I feel lonely, I'll decide who I kiss and do not kiss got it?"<br>"Got it".

I fell back on the bed and finally I fell asleep.

**Present:**

"Shisuik.. do you have any valium?" I can hear some girl in the background screaming at her boyfriend, an other girl moaning, some guys yelling incoherent things and Shisuik's laughing.

"Sure thing, trouble with the boyfriend"?  
>I feel like crying again. It was two days ago he ran off again and I've been snorting too much coke these days to sleep and dream it all away.<br>"Just come over okay? I need it"."Sure thing boss, I'll be there in ten".

Ten minutes is far too long for thinking.

When Shisuik finally arrives I can hear him knocking on the door with his finger knuckle and making his way in. I hear his foot slam into something and a annoyance in his tone, "Seriously dude? Couldn't you fucking remove that desk soon? Third time I hit myself on it"! I feel some plastic hitting me in the face and stare at the little plastic bag with two valium's in it now laying right next to me. I grunt at him, sit up and take both of them.

"What's wrong dude? I haven't seen you like this since your parents divorce". I stare at myself in the mirror in my living room and my face is so pale and grey..

"Ritsu left".  
>"Did he have to go home"?<br>"No he.. left me". I stare at Shisuik and his face look sad and confused. "He hasn't called or anything"?  
>"No"..<br>"Well that's weird.. he was at my place this morning".

Wait.. what?


	10. Pathetic

Do you remember that rush of thoughts you got in your head when you learned or heard something you wouldn't expect?

When you learned that your parents were getting a divorce.

When the one you were in love with suddenly had a new girlfriend, or boyfriend.

When you learned that your ex-boyfriend visited your drug dealer instead of you?

You just didn't get it.

Well I at least don't get it right now.

My finger tip is burning and I loose the grip I had on my cigarette, feeling the swelling burning sensation tingling through out my finger, but I ignore it and light another cigarette. The annoying sound of Shisuik's voice is still ringing in my ears and my head feels heavier and more filled with thoughts than earlier, even though I took a valium only five minutes ago.

Ritsu at Shisuik's place.. what the fuck?

"Why? I mean.. why was he at _your_ place"? I didn't mean for it to sound so annoyed and unsatisfied when I pronounced "your" but I do not like the idea of him being there.

"Well he asked me if I had any valium, funny enough you called later and asked me for the same thing. Apparently the poor guy has not slept for days and he needed to calm down, something about a big test in a couple of days.. anyways I gave him two for free and send him of on his merry way, but when I told him to send you my regards he just looked weirdly at me and walked off mumbling something about him not talking to you anymore so.. what's up with that? Did something happen, I thought you to were doing really well together you have like this connection man, hell I was confused from seeing you so happy all of a sudden".

Of course I was happy and hell no he isn't talking to me anymore, he doesn't even return my phone calls. And now fucking valium? Why did I even let him smoke a joint with me, let alone two? I fucked up.. badly.

"There is something you don't know about him and me but next time you see him, could you please just tell him to call me? Or just text me? I need to speak with him soon." 

I lay back on my bed and take a deep breath, trying to solve all of this in my head. I stare at Shisuik who is staring at me and we are both silent for seconds before I finally break it..

"What"?  
>"When did you suddenly care so much Takano? You usually just fuck and kick out, but this.. this is different man; you've changed".<p>

No I haven't changed, I'm still the same. I'm still a seventeen year old loser with a broken heart who just wants his love back.

"I'm in love okay? Don't judge.. he's just.. something else".. but he isn't truly something else. He's Ritsu. That weird kid from high school I was in love with.. Shisuik looks more sad but understanding now and nods his head, he stands up.

"I'll go now I've got plans, but I'll contact you if I see or hear from him again, okay"?  
>"Yeah that sounds nice", we nod at each other and he's out of the living room.<br>"And get this fucking desk out of the hallway do you hear me? It's a death trap"!  
>"I'll move it tomorrow"!<p>

He closes the door and I'm alone.. again.

So he went to Shisuik's place for valium.. did I make everything worse for him? Did I make him more depressed than he already was? I could figure out that sleeping was a difficult thing for him, I know what depression does to you but that he needs drugs now is something else.. why can't he just resolve to alcohol? It would at least be less damaging. Though he would reek of vodka... I need a vodka..

I need sleep..

I don't remember much after that, I just fell asleep and I didn't wake up before late noon, thank god it's Sunday. I check my cell phone but alas no calls, no nothing.. no wait? There is a text-message just not from whom I was hoping.

_One message unread – _it says. I open it and what do you know, it's Shisuik (of course); what does he want now?

"_Yo Takano, I got some info about your boy Onodera, I met him on my way home, he looked really fucked up, I took him home to my place, he's asleep on the couch. Come and get him – Shisuik_".

That son of a bitch.. he did it. I don't know if I should be happy or mad. Happy that he found Onodera, took him under his wings, made sure he didn't get into trouble and brought him home to sleep on his couch.

Or angry. Angry that he dragged Onodera home to sleep at his place instead of mine and let him sleep on _his_ couch? But I don't believe now is the time to for jealousy. Now is the time to think. I can't just show up and confront him can I?

"Ritsu I love you, I've loved you ever since that day in the library, please don't run away again, please don't run away from this self-loathing junkie with bad hair," or "I'll make sure this will never happen again, I promise I'll never break your heart again, now lets go get high and fuck our brains out and live happily till the end of our days", what the fuck was I thinking? I can't do this to him again. I can't just _make_ him love me again.

I need a shower.. I reek of weed and pathetic.


End file.
